VNTB #36

This past weekend, I went to VN weekend #36. To put it simply, VN is a spiritual weekend that’s designed to help young Christians grow in their relationship with God - they say that it isn’t something you can explain, only something you can experience. My experience from the weekend has felt much different than those of all the other candidates - during our last day, most of them talked about how they’d had moments of really encountering God at a level of intimacy they’d never experienced before - however, that wasn’t the case for me. I honestly walked away from the weekend initially feeling like something was wrong with me, because I felt ashamed that my experience wasn’t as seemingly “earth-shattering” as everyone else’s appeared to be. Though my journey through VN hasn’t been as supernatural as some of the others, I’ve begun to notice just how indescribably impactful the latent lessons of the weekend have been for me:

1. Feeling God’s presence is not a requirement for knowing His love.

Recently, I’ve been feeling God nudging me to rest in the moments that I don’t feel His presence. Through those moments, He’s slowly been teaching me that the reason for this is because He wants me to develop a trust in Him that isn’t dependent on any kind of feeling. Recently, I’ve actually become not just okay with, but dare I say, comforted during the times that I’ve felt absolutely nothing from Him. Though that may sound strange, I’ve been noticing how He is slowly stripping away all of the dependencies that I’ve placed on His gifts in our relationship, rather than on His character and presence alone. Might I remind you that God promises that He will always be with us - NOT that we will always feel His presence. I am joyful and satisfied in His presence now, even when I don’t feel anything - and that’s because I’ve come to a deep sense of understanding and faith that He is as actively present in my life during those moments as He is during the more emotionally filled ones. Though one is more noticeable and tangible, both are equally sacred and critical for us to understand in order to remain satisfied and fulfilled in our relationship with God. His presence is a promise, but feeling it is a gift. Sometimes, it seems as if our anticipation of feeling His presence is actually what deters us from presently attuning to the way that He may be speaking to us. He doesn’t always communicate through booming gestures - usually, it’s simply through soft whispers. In order to remain near to Him, we must get rid of all our expectations that we’ve developed for how we’ll experience His presence - often, our expectations leave little to no room for God to actually move and speak to us. After all, He can only speak into the places of our lives that we haven’t already filled up with predetermined outcomes. We serve an available and accessible God, and our feelings, (or lack thereof), do not change that fact. God can and does speak to us - but it’s only when we walk out in the authority that we have in Him alone that we’re open enough to listen to it.

2. There is a supernatural kind of power found in Godly community. 

Despite the disconnection that I felt from the other girls at times, I’ve found myself longing to be back with them all throughout this week. At first, I couldn’t pinpoint what exactly I missed about VN, but I’ve come to the conclusion that there is truth in the fact that the Holy Spirit in me was never meant to be away from the Holy Spirit in them. I didn’t even get to talk to some of them - yet part of my Spirit still mourns the loss of the community that I experienced. Though my eyes and ears may not have sensed the visceral power of the campground while I was presently in it, it’s power has been revealed to me through the lingering that I’ve felt in my Spirit this week. Though my feet left the campground on Sunday, I feel as if part of my Spirit is still dwelling there - or, more accurately put, His Spirit. Perhaps the reason that Godly community is so important isn’t simply because we as individuals each serve a different role in the body of Christ, but also because we each have a unique part of the Spirit that dwells within us. Human beings are relational creatures formed after a relational God - the beauty of Godly community is that, just as different people within His body come together in unity, so different aspects of His Spirit do also. Where two or three gather in His name, there He is with them.

3. Postures of humility come in many different forms. 

For some people, their humility is shown through the way that they physically stretch out to God as high as they can in order to experience His nearness during worship. For others, it’s expressed through bowing as low to the ground as they can in reverence of His power. For others still, it’s simply shown in the bowing of the head with hands folded - though some expressions of awe may look more extreme than others, they are all equally as sacred. You’ll rarely find how God uniquely speaks to you by looking around at how He’s speaking to everyone else - when you feel lost or as if God has forgotten about you in the midst of others’ experiences with Him, simply close your eyes and let His voice marinate within your soul. Don’t worry about whether or not you’re doing the same thing as everyone else - let God show you how He wants to personally communicate with you. God is a God of the masses, as well as the individual.

4. Vulnerability in true leadership is not simply optional - it’s a requirement.

 I was able to witness and be a part of so many unique moments at VN. Each message, story, chapel, and event throughout the weekend was special - however, the moments that I’ve found to be the most impactful have been the moments that the leaders of the weekend stepped out in raw vulnerability to tell their stories and show us their hearts. I’ve been told before that as a leader, people will follow your level of vulnerability. Though I believed that, it wasn’t until this weekend that I truly understood just how impactful and essential vulnerable leadership is. The best leaders are the ones who reverently serve the position they’ve been placed in. Throughout my life, I’ve seen numerous occasions where leaders have used their position as an excuse to distance themselves from the very people they’ve been put under to serve - this weekend, I was expecting the same thing. However, it quickly became clear to me that the leaders were not only there to direct the events, but also to participate in them right along with us. In order to have true, impactful leadership, you must willingly take up the responsibility of stepping out in vulnerability and humbling yourself before others. When you’re nominated to become a leader for VN, you’re simultaneously being nominated to the task of leading others towards freedom in Christ - and with that comes the responsibility of opening your heart for others to see. I’m not close with any of the leaders from my weekend - yet the impact that their vulnerability has had on me is not one that will be easily forgotten.

5. There is a certain kind of peace found only in the unknown.

The first obstacle that I had to face during VN was not having access to any source of time or schedule. I’m 100% a “schedule-by-the-second” kind of girl, so knowing that I was stepping into a weekend only filled with unknowns was absolutely horrifying for me. However, throughout the weekend, I noticed myself becoming more and more at peace with the fact that I had no idea what was coming next. In fact, I actually started enjoying remaining in the unknown. It’s not that I didn’t get to know what was coming next - it’s that I didn’t have to know. By my second day at VN, I had developed confidence in the fact that my leaders would take care of me and provide everything that I needed. I found myself loving the unknown because I recognized the safety that I had in knowing that I would be equipped and provided for wherever the weekend took me next. I feel that this experience has really represented the fact that there is only better ahead when I’m walking with God. Though better does not always equate to easy, this weekend really showed me how it is possible to get to a point of trust in my relationship with God where I am completely confident that He will take care of me and provide for me, despite not knowing what comes next. This weekend, I actually started dreading going back to the “outside world” with my phone and my clock, because I had become so restful and content with having a blind kind of faith and trust in all the leaders who were there to serve and direct our steps. I knew that they would make sure that everything was taken care of so that I had ample opportunity to experience the present moment. It appears that we often remain in the familiar because it’s comfortable - yet it seems that it’s often in the risks that we take in stepping into the unfamiliar that we find the sweetest surprises and most surreal moments of tranquility.

I didn’t have a single earth-shattering moment with God this weekend - and I’ve realized that that does not make my experience any less valuable. It seems that most of the girls walked away with a specific moment that they felt changed their life, which is absolutely amazing. For me, however, I didn’t experience that at all. Instead, I look back and realize that God’s way of communicating with me individually throughout the weekend was through gentle, nearly inaudible whispers. Though my takeaways may have been found in the “hidden” lessons of VN rather than the more obvious displays of community, I count them to be equally as powerful and significant.