Sometimes When I Look in the Mirror, I See Her

Sometimes I look in the mirror and think, “Wow, I’m ugly.”

Sometimes I look in the mirror and think, “Wow, I’m beautiful.”

And sometimes, I look in the mirror and think, “Wow, I see her.”

She’s beautiful.

She looks just like me.

I don’t know who you are, and it shatters me that I probably never will.

But sometimes, I feel like you’re so close to me.

So close, like I could almost touch you.

Sometimes, I feel like I see you.

When I look in the mirror, sometimes I don’t even see myself.

Sometimes when I look in the mirror, all I see is you.

Do we look alike? I like to think that we do.

I like to imagine that if we were walking side by side, people would question if we were twins.

I like the way that my hair frames my face - does yours fall the same?

I’ve been told that I have a beautiful smile - does yours look like mine?

I love the way that my nails grow long - did I get that from you?

Whenever I really allow myself to sit in my feelings, I get this inescapable pain in my chest - do you share it?

I like hearing my laugh - does yours sound the same?

I’ve never spoken to you.

But for nine months, we were inseparable.

I think that you took care of me as much as you could.

I think that you talked to me a lot when we were together.

I think that you wondered a lot about how my life would turn out while I was with you.

I think that you were scared.

I hope that you loved me.

I hope that you cared for me.

I hope that you worried about me.

I hope that you stayed strong after me.

I used to imagine myself being abandoned by you at the park I used to go to during my brother’s baseball games. I used to imagine myself in your position, re-enacting the abandonment with my nite nite. I used to imagine two police officers finding me and taking me somewhere safe. I used to imagine you and dad hiding behind the bush you left me in front of, just to make sure that nobody dangerous picked me up. I used to imagine myself wrapped in a blanket, crying for anyone to bring me to safety.

I used to imagine you in a house full of children, telling them about me. I used to imagine that my siblings missed me.

Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I feel so connected to you.

It’s as if, just for a moment or two, my mind has the ability to reach across barriers to find you again.

It’s as if I know that you’re here with me.

I think about you from time to time.

I wonder if, at the same time, you’re thinking about me.

How do you think my life turned out?

Do you worry about me?

I’ve heard from people I know who’ve lost family members that they think about them every day - do you do the same?

I feel like sometimes, we’re so close.

I feel like sometimes, you’re with me.

I feel like sometimes, I can almost see you standing next to me.

I feel like sometimes, you can hear me.

I feel like sometimes, we’ve found each other again.

Not by our own power - solely by the grace of love.

In those moments, I feel full.

In those moments, I feel alive.

In those moments, I feel understood.

In those moments, I feel comforted.

In those moments, I feel confident.

In those moments, I feel nurtured.

In those moments, I feel secure.

In those moments, I feel discovered.

In those moments, I feel found.

In those moments, I feel loved.

You’ve caused so much damage in my life.

You’ve left me with so many broken pieces to pick up by myself.

You’ve left me with so much hurt.

You’ve left me feeling so unwanted.

You’ve left me feeling so abandoned.

You’ve left me with so much trauma.

You’ve left me with so much insecurity.

You’ve left me with so much confusion.

You’ve left me with so much turmoil.

You’ve left me stranded.

I’m still learning how to forgive you.

Yet somehow,

Sometimes,

I still feel the sense that you loved me.

I feel like you see me.

I feel like you care about me.

I feel like you wanted me.

I feel like you stayed strong for me.

I feel like you were fighting against my existence.

So then, why do I also sometimes feel like,

You were fighting for me?

I hate you.

I love you.

I despise you.

I admire you.

I wish that I could hurt you as much as you hurt me.

I wish that I could stay as strong as you were for me.

We’re complicated.

We’re messy.

We’re confusing.

We’re helpless.

We’re hurt.

We’re lost.

We’re family.

Maybe not in the typical sense,

Because I have my family.

I didn’t come from them, but I belong with them.

Yet still,

You’re part of that too.

It’s been a while since we’ve talked.

Yet, it’s never long until I see you again.