You Set Off a Dream in Me
She can never be who I long for her to be so badly in my life. Infinitely, I just wish she could take me where she found me and begin to fill the deep voids of my heart that have been dwelling, yearning for someone to step in and satisfy them for way too long. I try to deny this reality with an amount of willpower that I never knew I had. The daydreaming is a blessing and a burden. It’s obsessive, time-consuming, distracting at times, heartbreaking. But - it also attunes me into myself in more complex ways than I’ve ever experienced. It’s my caliber to check in on how I’m really feeling in any given moment, and brings to the surface the deepest desires of my soul. It reveals the parts of myself that I didn’t even know I had hidden, and reveals them in such a compassionate way that somehow knows exactly when to push or gently nudge me to more self-awareness of the bigger picture that it’s trying to slowly uncover to me. It reaches into the deepest parts of my subconscious self and pulls out the core thoughts, beliefs, longings, and emotions that have been ignored for way too long, partially in hopes that if I just ignore them long enough, they’ll subside. But in reality, they only exacerbate these core parts of my being in more intensity than ever before. The daydreaming, despite its name, is more of a reality to me than my own life. I remember the past few years of my life mostly through the fantasies I was having during each moment, rather than by the actual events that took place. The dreams have protected me with such ferocity that despite my battle with them at times, I can’t help but be so grateful towards them for the amount of care, patience, love, safety, validation, and realizations they have provided for me. Life is so much better in a fantasy. Why can’t it be real? Maybe if I daydream all of my life, I’ll be so immersed in them that they’ll become the substitute for this uncontrollable, grief-filled life. In actuality, these dreams help me grieve my reality in a way that feels safer. I get so caught up in them, that I often forget that they’re not actually real. But in a sense, even though I’m aware of this, I can’t come to the acceptance that they’re simply just dreams. They’re so much more than that. These dreams are what create my reality - they influence how I view the world, perceive myself, and love others. They’re entertaining, and it’s truly remarkable to see how vivid my desires can seem to have the ability to “come to life” whenever I want them to. These dreams have held my hand through the darkest parts of my life, and through the greatest joys I’ve experienced. In fact, some of these dreams are the darkest and greatest pieces of my story. These dreams are my way of beginning to rewrite the narrative of the story I was dealt in this life.
But at the end of it all, I must come to the true realization that while these dreams have served me well and provided a deep sense of companionship, I must at some point let them go. This truth is heart shattering to accept - especially when I’m so deeply immersed in them. Switching from this fantasy of what you wish was to a reality that is, is jolting to the soul. All of those desires that have been under the disguise of being filled suddenly coming to the agreement that unfortunately, the past pain experienced cannot be replaced or filled by the present or the future, no matter what they may look like, is pure sorrow. The fathomless voids and longings in my soul are so consuming that I feel they are unable to bear without the aid of a dream - an optimistic, desperate sliver of hope that maybe, just maybe, I can find something to fill them. In reality, the best I have found is simply a cover - a lid to put on top of them to either suppress and dismiss them, or to play them out as far as my mind will let me in hopes that this time, the feeling of satisfaction will stay. That the longings will disappear someday. But, the reality is that trying to convince myself that I can satiate these longings with intangible fantasies is doing them a tremendous disservice. This whole time, I’ve been striving endlessly to get these desires to just go away and be done with, when all this time, what they’ve really needed is to simply be acknowledged for what they are in their truest form: they’re the consequence of the essential needs of my soul being continually, intentionally discarded, and sadly, they will never be filled in the way that I so desperately wish they could be. In time, they may heal - but they will never go away. There may be times when they appear to subside, and other times when they intensify, as has been my experience so far. On one end, this means that my life will always have an aspect of sorrow attached to it. But ultimately, these longings, however discouraging at times, point to the greatest glory of my being. I’ve learned that often, our greatest glory is also our deepest shame. I’ve trained myself to view my deep longings as personal failures and weaknesses that result from “not being able to get over it”. They lead to continual heartbreak. But the desires that I so desperately wish would disappear are the exact ones that best reveal God’s heart in my soul. These longings point towards a bigger picture, but not a bigger “reality” - a bigger someone. Someone who is greater than all of it. In fact, someone who is simultaneously outside as well as in the very center of it all. The desires are the best teachers that will truly guide me into the knowledge that at the end of all of the dreams and fantasies, the true search in my heart is for Him. He gave me dreams, and He allowed other people to break me for having them. He is also the one that will redeem them and abundantly fulfill them. In His time. Healing isn’t simply a process - it’s a person.
