What If Abandonment Has a “What If”?

Abandonment is the core fear that I have in my relationship with God. In fact, it’s the core fear that I have in every relationship. Something so painful that has the ability to rock your entire world in an instant, is something that people often do to others unknowingly. Abandonment may be temporary, or it may be permanent. However, you’re just not quite the same after you’ve experienced a taste of what it feels like to be abandoned. To be forsaken. Often, this deeply-rooted fear causes me to abandon relationships before they even have a chance to be fully formed. I feel that my only way to cope with this intense, all-consuming, paralyzing fear is by becoming the abandoner. It’s alright if I hurt you - even if it hurts me in the process. At least this time, I call the shots. This time, I’m in control. And somehow, even though the ending result is the same - having yet another broken, damaged relationship - the feeling of control acts as a distraction of sorts… almost as if the feeling of control overrides the fear. As long as I feel that I have a say in the abandonment, maybe it’ll hurt less. But I’ve learned that that’s simply not true.

We all grasp for control to some extent - some by excessive drinking, financial spending, or manipulation. Control is relieving - it gives us a sense of power that often acts as a disguise that hides the heartbreaking truths of our lives that our souls are so desperately trying to reveal to us, all the while we’re doing everything in our power to deny. For me, the control feels worth the destruction. After all, aren’t all relationships inevitably going to end? Isn’t everyone going to abandon me at some point? And if so, then why shouldn’t I do what I want in the process? If the end result will always be the same, I may as well assert some power over how it’ll be carried out.

But what if there was something - someone - who would stay?

Who would carry you through life’s loudest storms with a supernatural element of grace and calm in the midst of them?

What if there was someone who would promise not only to never forsake you, but actually affirm that they’ve been there all along.

All the while you’ve been searching in all the wrong places.

Some of the wrong places have even looked so similar to the right one that we’ve at times felt that we’d finally “gotten there”.

While I was searching, pleading, and hoping - He was there waiting for me.

He was beckoning me home.

Maybe, the issue was never that I was afraid of abandonment.

Maybe, the issue was that I was never even sure that I had been found.

But the truth is, I never needed to be.

I never needed to be found, because I was never lost.

I was never out of His scope of protection.

I was never out of His hands.

He never let my way falter beyond what He knew would ultimately lead me to this destination.

He never took His eyes off of me.

He never stopped loving me.

He never considered leaving me.

I was never lost, because even before the beginning, I was known.

Most people say they want to be found.

Few people are aware that what their soul actually craves, is the security of being fully known.

And someday, when I’m able to truly accept beyond sole cognitive ability that I have always been known, and therefore never needed

to be found,

I will finally be able to rest in full assurance of His love for me.

I will no longer be searching.

Because I’ll be too busy being filled with continual awe at how despite myself,

I was always His first choice.

Not because of anything I had to offer,

But rather because that’s simply the genuine demonstration of His character.

I’m not quite there yet - but that doesn’t mean that I’m on the wrong path.

The process that is necessary in order to get to that destination is part of what helps me realize what destination I’m even reaching for.

I’ll get there,

In time.

Until then,

I’ll continue journeying,

With Him by my side.

Every step of the way.